V-Day Alternative: Bittersweets

Although I consider myself to be a cheesy person full of cheesy sentiments for Mr. Bean (and equally cheesy tastes for the ways he spoils me), I also have a great appreciation for all things sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek. In celebration of this streak and of anti-Valentine's Day, I give you Bittersweets, a new product from Depair, Inc. Their description was so on the mark that I have shared it word-for-word below. Enjoy (and click the photos to enlarge)!

For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine's Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear's romantic indignities, today's loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.

When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we've combined BOTH into a radical new offering.

Introducing Bittersweets® - The Valentine's Candy for the Rest of Us.Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts, Bittersweets® are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were.

Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was "so totally way hotter."Now available in THREE unique collections- "Dejected," "Dysfunctional," and "Dumped"- with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!

"Dejected" sayings include: I MISS MY EX PEAKED AT 17 MAIL ORDER TABLE FOR 1I CRY ON Q U C MY BLOG? LOSS LEADER A FINE WHINE MOMMY ISSUES DIGNITY FREE DORK MAGNET PURE NAUSEA WE HAD PLANS MAIL ORDER SETTLE 4LESS I'M HOT INSIDE

"Dysfunctional" sayings include: ANNULMENT I BEEN CREEPIN HE CAN LISTEN GAME ON TV CALL A 900# P.S. I LUV ME DO MY DISHES BOOTY INFL8N PAROLE IS UP! AWFUL INLAWS SUB PRIME I WANT HALFRETURN 2 PIT NO FIX 4 DUMB RATHER DRINK MUTUAL DISGUST

"Dumped" sayings include: I GOT SOBER HE FIT U FAT U LEFT SEATUP USED U 4 FUN JUST A FRIEND BACK 2 KENNEL DORKA PHOBIC U HAVE A BLOGRUSSIAN BRIDE CELEB8 THX2U DOG IS CUTER TRADIN YOU INFORGET WE MET KISS A FROG SHE IS 22! HE HAS A JOB

Truly, Bittersweets® are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn't want to hurt your feelings but just doesn't feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn't appreciate them like you do, can't love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning "just friends" behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them. (You know what we're talking about.)

Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be.

Available in six different flavors, including: Banana Chalk, Grape Dust, Nappy-Citric, You-Call-This-Lime?, Pink Sand and Fossilized Antacid.

These little jewels are available for $9.95 each, or buy the set and enjoy them all for $19.95!